I have been reading "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman (Steven Curtis Chapman's wife). As you might know, it's been close to two years since they lost their youngest daughter (5 at the time) in a horrible accident in their own driveway. She writes wonderfully about her life, struggles and triumphs she's had, and also very much so about losing Maria. Now you know where my last post came from. =) I have loved reading the book, it's so good, and very well written. It is entertaining and heart wrenching. It has definitely had me thinking. A lot.
Since my last post I've been thinking about how nothing will ever be enough. In the years since losing Maria, Mary Beth talks about how much she misses her slobber, and her silliness and will just randomly say, "Oh, to kiss that little neck again." I cannot begin to fathom the gaping hole that is left when a child moves to Heaven without you.. But. No matter how much I "enjoy" my girl now, no matter how many times I kiss that little neck (which I soo love to do), It would never be enough. I can't kiss her enough, I can't remember each word and how she says it soo cute right now, I can't enjoy every moment to last forever... I feel a bit like I've been trying too hard, or too focused on "enjoying her" but have maybe let it get a bit into not Trusting. Not Trusting my Sovereign King. He knows our days. He knows when our last day will be, and He's chosen for me to not know our last day on earth. I don't know. While I want to live every day like it's my last, I can't live in fear, or without Trusting that God has even the amount of kisses ordained. =) God is Good. I know that, and I am so grateful for that. And I'm grateful that He will always be good, even through all the suffering He has for me in my life.
Thank you Jesus, for the gift of life you've given to my family. Thank you for your Sovereign Care. Thank you that you know when my last breath will be, and my husbands last breath, my daughters last breath, and my sons last breath (after he takes his first, Lord willing).. Help me to Trust that you know best. Thank you for the Hope of Heaven. Thank you that I do not have to despair when I think of such things, but that there is such Joy in thinking of these things. All because of the work you did on the Cross for me. Let me worship you today in ALL that I do.. You deserve so much Honor and Praise.. so much more than I'll ever give.. Thank you.
I'm going to go kiss that little neck again. =)
3 comments:
I'm loving your posts, sweetie. Just wait until little B is old enough to do things like this! And you think you love her now!! :-)
I need to read that book! And, can you kiss that little neck for me too? :)
Losing a little one is something I've never wanted to experience, especially one I may get the gift of safely making it into my arms, and having the joy of seeing and knowing them.
God is good, even in the loss of one's child. Even in situations so seemingly wrong. I'm learning to trust in this even when my hope is borrowed and my faith is weak.
Thank you so much for posting these, Noelle. Please give little Brynn an extra hug for me and do, do enjoy the precious gift you've been given!
~Alicia
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